I never planned to have more than one Scrapple column a week but I'm getting lazy in anticipation of going back to work soon. So here's another helping of Scrapple.
As I said, I'm getting ready to go back to work. I had to go for my pee test yesterday. What a pain in the ass. You have to hold a cup and pee into it. Seems simple right. Well, not really. I drank a lot of coffee and water before I went to the lab. I had to wait in the waiting room for an hour before they called my name. Suffice to say, I really had to pee by the time I was called. The cup is about the size of a bathroom Dixie cup. So after you give them the required amount, you still have to discharge the rest. So here I am with half a cup off pee in one hand, myself in the other. No where to put the cup, still peeing. Don't want to drop the cup into the commode and still peeing. It's not like you can shut it off like a faucet. I'd be afraid I might strain something. So finally I finish. Put a lid on the cup. Tuck everything back in and zip up. Then in the same motion, reach for the flush handle. WAIT!!!! DON'T FLUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!! They want to check the bowl for any discarded contraband (fun job). So I remembered not to flush. Presented my sample to the technician. Sign here, initial there. What a time. But hey, it's what I have to do for a job. And I have nothing to hide anyway, so it's really a minor inconvenience.
A friend of mine suggested the other day that since I'm now going back into the working world and going to be a productive member of society again. That it may be time to think about being part of a couple again. It's been awhile since I've been in a relationship and since I wasn't working, I didn't feel I had anything to offer anyone. So I haven't tried. But even before that and even now, I'm quite happy being with me. From time to time I think about being in a relationship. Usually when planning a trip or vacation. But other than that, not really. Most of my friends don't understand the concept. My friend who had suggested it, has been married for 25 years. He wouldn't know what to do, if he were by himself. Some of my other friends are kind of weak and actually believe in the concept of love. Plus, they also wouldn't know what to do with themselves if they were alone. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I rarely, if ever, feel lonely. But the thought of making an anonymous posting on one of these singles-searching-for-love sites got me thinking. How about a site for people who are like me? Yes there are some. And dog gone it! I found one! Redneck and Single.com! http://www.redneckandsingle.com Now this has some serious consideration attached to it. But please, no snide remarks and do not access this site if you are not of a like mind or some sort of elitist, gated community, foreign car driving snob. This site isn't for you. This is for real Americans with real American values.
Since I started this blog and am now addicted to Twitter, I've thought seriously about creating a new social networking site. You know, like SpaceBook and MyFace. But not a site for teeny-boppers, pedofiles and all those in between. I'm talking about folks who are looking to have fun, one day at a time. One where partying and alcohol consumption is encouraged. I'm going to call it-
Shit-Faced Book! I'll let you know how it's progressing.
This is for all my fellow Americans out there who are concerned about the direction this country is moving in and those interested in Truth, Justice and the American way. We will not now nor ever be able to roll back this horrendous health care law and clean up all the socialist intentions of this administration until we start electing conservatives to congress and to state legislatures. I'm not talking about just anyone with an "R" next to their name. We have enough RINO's out there in office as it is. I'm talking about rock-solid Conservatives. Those that believe as President Reagan told us, "In this present crisis, government is not the solution to our problem; government is the problem." So for heaven's sake, please go out and support our conservative candidates for elected office. And none of this third party bullshit! The Tea Party is not a political party. It's a movement of ideas and philosophy. We are a two party system! Period! The conservatives held the Republican party with great success and pissed it away to Democrat's in Republican suits. We lost our way. I'm trying to help you find the way back. Moderate Republicans are not Republicans. They are Democrat-lite. We have a enough Democrat's, we don't need a sub-species. Vote Conservative!
This coming Monday, April 5th is the single greatest day on the calendar, that is a Monday and not a holiday. No it's not my birthday. That's a Tuesday this year. No, Monday, April 5th is Opening Day of the 2010 Major League Baseball season. Now, before some know it all, butt-plug or American League fan (synonymous) makes a comment, I know there will be two games on Easter Sunday. Mariners are at the Giants and the Yankees are at the Red Sox. But for purists and traditionalists, the first Monday of April is opening day and anything that happens before that is still spring training, a quirk in the schedule and/or a statistical anomaly. Those teams will only be playing 161 games this year. GO MARLINS!!!
It was announced this week that the President will be throwing out the first pitch at the Nationals game against the Phillies on Monday, April 5th.
So with Opening Day of Major League Baseball also comes the worst scourge on the sports landscape. No, not steroids, HGH or any performance enhancing drug. I'm talking about a curse that afflicts millions in this country and is no longer limited to America's past time. This plague has spread across all forms of professional sport. I'm talking about the fantasy league player. The mere thought of fantasy leagues acts like ipecac on my system. I may have to pause during this column for relief.
This concept, which I was perfectly ignorant of until about 15 years ago, was a way for baseball stat geeks to put to use the endless amount of statistics associated with the game of baseball. Baseball by it's nature is a team of individuals. It truly is the only sport where the individual stats are stressed more than team stats. But this non-sense has spread into NFL, NBA, PGA and NASCAR. I don't know about NHL. There aren't enough hockey fans for the sport in general, let alone a fantasy league. But I digress.
I have never seen so many people, so devoid of a life and so desperate for a valid, meaningful existence. It is estimated there are 30 million Americans and Canadians participating in fantasy sports. I didn't know so many people in North America were in such desperate need of mental-health treatment. It is further alleged that of these 30 million zombies, some will be a part of several league's, per sport. WTF? I've witnessed "draft" day of fantasy football once, years ago, at my local watering hole. These poor mindless souls had taken over a private room of the bar. They had a board with the "team" names on it some other useless columns and spaces to be filled in later. The member's of each team, usually some nerdy looking oaf with his "girlfriend" huddled up together, pouring over last years NFL's stats. Trying to one up the other nerdy, mindless zombies with their picks. Not all teams were in attendance. Some were on the phone and were phoning in their picks. Some of the people in the room were calling the none attendees about "trades" and on and on it went. As if this was something important.
I've had people try to explain to me this mind numbing endeavor and I still don't get it. Everyone always says, well there's a big payoff. So? Go to the track for Christ's sake if you want a big payoff. You can plunge your guts out every day at horse tracks all around this country. They have stats coming out of horses asses if you wanna pour over all that info, before pissing your hard earned, er, making your wager on that day's card. (In the interest of full disclosure, I love horse racing. I wish I had more money to play). But this fantasy league garbage is just that! A FANTASY! Wake up from your dream world and find a life! Find a hobby! Mow the grass. If you don't have a lawn, I do. Come mow my grass. Hook a rug. Take up macrame. Needlepoint. Crochet. Masturbate! Something productive. Do something besides being the adult version of a frustrated little league player. I think most of these people were picked last for a pick up game of kick ball. Or, try this. How about watching the sport for the entertainment that it is. The thrill of watching the best players of each sports discipline engaged in competition. And stop trying to inject your vacuous life into it. Come into reality. You're not a professional athlete and you are not of any measurable means to be an owner. You're a fan. SO ACT LIKE A FAN!
As I said, I'm getting ready to go back to work. I had to go for my pee test yesterday. What a pain in the ass. You have to hold a cup and pee into it. Seems simple right. Well, not really. I drank a lot of coffee and water before I went to the lab. I had to wait in the waiting room for an hour before they called my name. Suffice to say, I really had to pee by the time I was called. The cup is about the size of a bathroom Dixie cup. So after you give them the required amount, you still have to discharge the rest. So here I am with half a cup off pee in one hand, myself in the other. No where to put the cup, still peeing. Don't want to drop the cup into the commode and still peeing. It's not like you can shut it off like a faucet. I'd be afraid I might strain something. So finally I finish. Put a lid on the cup. Tuck everything back in and zip up. Then in the same motion, reach for the flush handle. WAIT!!!! DON'T FLUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!! They want to check the bowl for any discarded contraband (fun job). So I remembered not to flush. Presented my sample to the technician. Sign here, initial there. What a time. But hey, it's what I have to do for a job. And I have nothing to hide anyway, so it's really a minor inconvenience.
A friend of mine suggested the other day that since I'm now going back into the working world and going to be a productive member of society again. That it may be time to think about being part of a couple again. It's been awhile since I've been in a relationship and since I wasn't working, I didn't feel I had anything to offer anyone. So I haven't tried. But even before that and even now, I'm quite happy being with me. From time to time I think about being in a relationship. Usually when planning a trip or vacation. But other than that, not really. Most of my friends don't understand the concept. My friend who had suggested it, has been married for 25 years. He wouldn't know what to do, if he were by himself. Some of my other friends are kind of weak and actually believe in the concept of love. Plus, they also wouldn't know what to do with themselves if they were alone. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I rarely, if ever, feel lonely. But the thought of making an anonymous posting on one of these singles-searching-for-love sites got me thinking. How about a site for people who are like me? Yes there are some. And dog gone it! I found one! Redneck and Single.com! http://www.redneckandsingle.com Now this has some serious consideration attached to it. But please, no snide remarks and do not access this site if you are not of a like mind or some sort of elitist, gated community, foreign car driving snob. This site isn't for you. This is for real Americans with real American values.
Since I started this blog and am now addicted to Twitter, I've thought seriously about creating a new social networking site. You know, like SpaceBook and MyFace. But not a site for teeny-boppers, pedofiles and all those in between. I'm talking about folks who are looking to have fun, one day at a time. One where partying and alcohol consumption is encouraged. I'm going to call it-
Shit-Faced Book! I'll let you know how it's progressing.
This is for all my fellow Americans out there who are concerned about the direction this country is moving in and those interested in Truth, Justice and the American way. We will not now nor ever be able to roll back this horrendous health care law and clean up all the socialist intentions of this administration until we start electing conservatives to congress and to state legislatures. I'm not talking about just anyone with an "R" next to their name. We have enough RINO's out there in office as it is. I'm talking about rock-solid Conservatives. Those that believe as President Reagan told us, "In this present crisis, government is not the solution to our problem; government is the problem." So for heaven's sake, please go out and support our conservative candidates for elected office. And none of this third party bullshit! The Tea Party is not a political party. It's a movement of ideas and philosophy. We are a two party system! Period! The conservatives held the Republican party with great success and pissed it away to Democrat's in Republican suits. We lost our way. I'm trying to help you find the way back. Moderate Republicans are not Republicans. They are Democrat-lite. We have a enough Democrat's, we don't need a sub-species. Vote Conservative!
This coming Monday, April 5th is the single greatest day on the calendar, that is a Monday and not a holiday. No it's not my birthday. That's a Tuesday this year. No, Monday, April 5th is Opening Day of the 2010 Major League Baseball season. Now, before some know it all, butt-plug or American League fan (synonymous) makes a comment, I know there will be two games on Easter Sunday. Mariners are at the Giants and the Yankees are at the Red Sox. But for purists and traditionalists, the first Monday of April is opening day and anything that happens before that is still spring training, a quirk in the schedule and/or a statistical anomaly. Those teams will only be playing 161 games this year. GO MARLINS!!!
It was announced this week that the President will be throwing out the first pitch at the Nationals game against the Phillies on Monday, April 5th.
So with Opening Day of Major League Baseball also comes the worst scourge on the sports landscape. No, not steroids, HGH or any performance enhancing drug. I'm talking about a curse that afflicts millions in this country and is no longer limited to America's past time. This plague has spread across all forms of professional sport. I'm talking about the fantasy league player. The mere thought of fantasy leagues acts like ipecac on my system. I may have to pause during this column for relief.
This concept, which I was perfectly ignorant of until about 15 years ago, was a way for baseball stat geeks to put to use the endless amount of statistics associated with the game of baseball. Baseball by it's nature is a team of individuals. It truly is the only sport where the individual stats are stressed more than team stats. But this non-sense has spread into NFL, NBA, PGA and NASCAR. I don't know about NHL. There aren't enough hockey fans for the sport in general, let alone a fantasy league. But I digress.
I have never seen so many people, so devoid of a life and so desperate for a valid, meaningful existence. It is estimated there are 30 million Americans and Canadians participating in fantasy sports. I didn't know so many people in North America were in such desperate need of mental-health treatment. It is further alleged that of these 30 million zombies, some will be a part of several league's, per sport. WTF? I've witnessed "draft" day of fantasy football once, years ago, at my local watering hole. These poor mindless souls had taken over a private room of the bar. They had a board with the "team" names on it some other useless columns and spaces to be filled in later. The member's of each team, usually some nerdy looking oaf with his "girlfriend" huddled up together, pouring over last years NFL's stats. Trying to one up the other nerdy, mindless zombies with their picks. Not all teams were in attendance. Some were on the phone and were phoning in their picks. Some of the people in the room were calling the none attendees about "trades" and on and on it went. As if this was something important.
I've had people try to explain to me this mind numbing endeavor and I still don't get it. Everyone always says, well there's a big payoff. So? Go to the track for Christ's sake if you want a big payoff. You can plunge your guts out every day at horse tracks all around this country. They have stats coming out of horses asses if you wanna pour over all that info, before pissing your hard earned, er, making your wager on that day's card. (In the interest of full disclosure, I love horse racing. I wish I had more money to play). But this fantasy league garbage is just that! A FANTASY! Wake up from your dream world and find a life! Find a hobby! Mow the grass. If you don't have a lawn, I do. Come mow my grass. Hook a rug. Take up macrame. Needlepoint. Crochet. Masturbate! Something productive. Do something besides being the adult version of a frustrated little league player. I think most of these people were picked last for a pick up game of kick ball. Or, try this. How about watching the sport for the entertainment that it is. The thrill of watching the best players of each sports discipline engaged in competition. And stop trying to inject your vacuous life into it. Come into reality. You're not a professional athlete and you are not of any measurable means to be an owner. You're a fan. SO ACT LIKE A FAN!
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